Promising Young Woman from the Perspective of Nina
It is impossible for me to have an objective view of this movie, if such a thing exists. I have been sexually assaulted under the circumstances highlighted in this film. I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober the last ten years. However, when I was in college I met and dated three different men who assaulted me while I was drunk. Each time, I had no intention of having sex with them and each time I was either in a black out or on the brink of passing out. So, seeing this movie resonated with me in a way that it may not with others. I don’t plan on ever naming my assailants publicly because I have no desire to withstand the kind of scrutiny that I would inevitably have to were I to come forward. I’m not the perfect victim-I wasn’t jumped by a stranger, I didn’t fight back. I didn’t call the police the next morning. In fact, the next morning I, like most victims, blamed myself. I told myself that it was my fault. If only I hadn’t had that last drink. If only I hadn’t worn that dress. If only I hadn’t gone back to his place. I told myself that I was responsible for the actions of men who know better, but don’t let themselves do better because they believe that they are entitled to my body. So now I have post traumatic stress disorder and because I don’t wish to exacerbate my symptoms- I choose to let them remain anonymous. I don’t want to find out if I would survive the kind of scrutiny I-and not my assailants- would likely endure. My mental health is held together in part by knowing my limitations. I think it’s bullshit that we live in a culture that cares far more about men than it does about women and gender non-conforming people, and that despite it being 2021 we give men the benefit of the doubt while we patronize everyone else. But, this is where we are and I won’t martyr myself when I know that I won’t be believed and that these men will keep doing exactly what they’ve been doing their entire adult lives.
This is why I not only loved Promising Young Woman — I think it’s necessary viewing especially for men. I was pleasantly surprised that this film didn’t trigger me (and I’m using the word trigger in how it relates to my PTSD, not in how something makes me feel). The director took great care to make her points without feeling the need to portray sexual violence. It’s talked about, it’s hinted at, but the movie is more a critique of rape culture and the myth of “nice guys.” There are decent, principled men and there are men who think that they are decent and principled. I consider myself lucky that I am married to the former.
Two years ago I went to a treatment center that is focused on recovery from trauma and how it relates to addiction. I hadn’t relapsed but I had the recurring, invasive belief that I should end my life. I stayed there for six weeks and worked through a lot of my trauma both from both my childhood and adulthood. Several months later, after taking a medication that exacerbated my symptoms, I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital for three days and was (thankfully) stabilized. I consider myself lucky that my will to live so far has been stronger than my desire to die.
I easily see myself in Nina, Cassie’s friend who committed suicide after she was raped. I put myself in Nina’s shoes, looking down at the revenge angel Cassie has become and I think simultaneously “I’m so proud of you” “Thank you” and “This isn’t going to end well for you.” Rage turned inward leads to to depression. Rage turned outward-well, that can end only a couple of different ways. I’m starting to learn how to channel my rage in productive ways like writing (yes, this is a therapeutic exercise), yoga, deep breathing, and tears. At the treatment center, there was this 3′ by 3′ beige cushion that we would beat with a plastic wiffleball bat. It was intensely gratifying.
The toll sexual assault takes is something that is rarely discussed. It has eaten up so much of my time, money, serenity, sexuality, and physical health. It took Nina’s life. I don’t consider myself different or stronger than Nina. I am her, just on this side of the cosmos.
